It’s getting closer and closer to Christmas and instead of feeling that commercialized holiday cheer, I’m just anxiously awaiting just being with my family. Christmas Day 2015 was pretty much the worst day of my life until that mid September day 9 months later.
Grief is a funny thing. With the passing of time, I cry far less and I can look at photos without having an emotional breakdown but it is still that shadow that won’t leave me be.
The feelings I’m going to share are a teeny bit tough because they force me to feel and to question. But they also force me to feel like a terrible Catholic.
Although I was raised Catholic, I very much believe in mystical forces and the supernatural. I have had my fair share of very odd experiences. I have seen ghosts. I have had ghostly encounters. I have dreamt of people the night before they die. I have been stopped by Native Americans who told me that my aura was very strong and that I have a strong connection with animals. I can’t remember the exact words used but it has stuck with me nearly 9 years later.
With all this, my grief is turning into an impatient waiting dance. With all I have seen and experienced, I am literally at baited breath hoping to see my Dad and/or my grandmother again. The running joke was that Vivie spoiled and smothered me so much that when she passed I would still see her because she would never be able to let go. While it was probably a story to frighten me, it blanketed me with a comfort that I couldn’t express. She isn’t here and I’m not comfortable.
It’s been 3 years and I have yet to see her or receive a sign. And I’m waiting. Waiting impatiently. And that could be the problem but I cannot trick my brain into not actively waiting and hoping.
The last few months I have met people who have had very strong mystical ties. I have met some who receive beautiful signs from their loved ones who have gone to Heaven and I sit here and pray that it rubs off on me.
I want to see my Father and my Grandmother again but obviously, I don’t want to be in Heaven right now to see them.
I have been heavily contemplating the use of a Medium or even a witch to help. My yearning to see or hear them is so strong that I know I may need a third party to assist. That messes with my Catholic upbringing but not enough to not want to pursue this.
But then I hear my Dad’s voice to not “force something to happen”. He always told me to be patient and he always told me that things happen at their natural speed. But sheesh. I’m human and impatient. I also recognize that this is my coping mechanism with dealing with my grief during this holiday season. Maybe by waiting on this and questioning not having a sign, I am able to process my grief.
I write this post because I have had such a case of writer’s block the last month or so. This is why the blog has been dormant. This blog was always a journal of sorts for me and never about being an “Influencer” and trying to sell. But I stopped these type of posts.
The rebranding was so that I felt more connected to my site and more connected to all of you. But I do lose sight of that a lot. I was chasing money for a while. Mostly because my former job didn’t really pay me enough to live semi-comfortably in this DC area. I’m thankful and happy to be elsewhere making a better wage. In a way, I’m sure that’s my Dad. He always told me that the right opportunity would present itself and I would make more money. So he was right. Maybe that is his sign.
I’m still waiting on my beloved Vivie though.
She was always pretty stubborn.
p.s. I recognize this dress has wrinkles in it. I need to work on that!