The Power of Girlfriends

Women are everything. Yup, I said it. We are everything. I am a huge advocate of empowering, supporting and building with other women. But like everyone else, I am flawed and do commit some major crimes against my fellow women.

I want to open up and talk about my biggest one.

Top Washington DC Blogger Spring Styles-6

As much as I love my fellow women, I suck at female friendships. Late 2017, I really wanted to explore what my issue with it was and it took some vulnerable moments alone to really get down to the nitty gritty of it. But then it took a youtube channel to force it in my face.

Back in college, I met my soul mate. Not a man. Not a romantic soul mate but the first friend that I had the best and easiest relationship with. We were one. WE had so much fun. We shared anything and everything and I did not have to pretend or “be” anyone but me. It was truly perfection.

But then one night everything changed. We went out to a party and then came back home to our apartment we shared. I was exhausted and went to my room and after grabbing one of my migraine meds, she went to hers.

Then something woke me up.

Without revealing too much, my best friend had attempted suicide by taking most of the bottle of my very strong migraine medication and ended up in a coma for several days. She was battling for her life and I just shut all the way down. Luckily and thankfully, she came out of it and got the help that was needed and she is thriving now but her and I didn’t speak since. Some because of a major mistake that I made that hurt her and most because I just shut down. I just couldn’t open up again and I wouldn’t open up again. Even went so far as alienating her from my family which was like hers. We were THAT close.

I turned evil and aint nothing pretty about that.

At the time I did not realize why I behaved the way that I did but now I understand. I was so angry with her for trying to leave me. I was angry with her for not sharing how she was feeling with me. I was angry with myself that I thought we were the “bestest of the bestest” and she didn’t feel the same because she didn’t open up. It triggered my abandonment schema and I went into self preservation mode.

Pretty selfish of me right?

Yes. Yes, it completely was but being selfish is not always terrible. I will always look back to that time with complete disgust with myself. But I’m also ok with it because it is a great lesson learned. Things happen as they are meant to happen. Although it took over a decade, it forced me to SEE myself.

Top Washington DC Blogger Spring Styles-6

Moving to the present I have really good friends, even some best friends but I don’t have that “best friend forever type friendship” and I do not know if I ever will. I am not opposed to it. But I am a complex being and I know that. I’m also someone who is VERY content and comfortable by myself. I truly enjoy my own company. But more than all that, I am not all that open to having any type of friendship like the one I felt I had in college. I’m just not ready. I prefer to just observe all the other women having those bonds and being happy for them. And jealous.  Because yes I get jealous of all those super girl power bonds as well as feel joy for them.

For lack of better words- I have “tried on” several BFF type friendships. I have met the most amazing of women. I have had super duper close friendships with women but I never give all of myself. It is something I want to change. And I will. In due time. My goal for this post is not to make any of my close current female friendships feel bad but to explain myself more. Cause I’m sure they have felt it.

Top Washington DC Blogger Spring Styles-6

Jermaine and I have the closest to a “best friendship forever type relationship” since my friend in college. He is my best friend before he is my fiancee. Sounds weird but he is the ONLY person who knows every teeny thing about me. Good. Bad. and Ugly.

But it would be nice to have that with my gender. I don’t want to be that girl who is closer to a man than a woman. I refuse to be that “I prefer to be friends with dudes” type of gal.

I desire that Caroline Vreeland + Shea Marie friendship. I want to be THAT close to another woman. Watching their youtube channel really has me thinking about the importance of female friendships. Just because of that past experience I cannot allow myself to be so closed up to other women. It took watching their youtube channel for me to really have that AHA moment. I am so drawn to it online and yet, I shy away from it in real life. Our brains are interesting right?

Top Washington DC Blogger Spring Styles-6

The other day I got a little sad because I realized that after my engagement, I did not have anyone who wanted to throw me an engagement party or even a brunch or heck take me out to lunch to celebrate. People were certainly excited and happy for me but I felt sad that there was no “hoopla” hahaha. It’s crazy to me that I even felt that way. It’s not even a necessity yet it has been a cloud over my head.

When my father passed away, I also felt really alone in the friend department. I remember hoping I would see someone other than family at the funeral or send flowers but it didn’t happen. And yeah, it hurt. But in some ways, I probably deserve that lack of action.

I write this because it shows that you get what you give. I do not give enough so I do not get enough. That is just how life goes. Does it hurt? yes. But in the exact same token, my lack of giving all of myself probably hurts those around me and that is unfair. So changed behavior is the only way to break the cycle.

I am not a truly present friend and because of that I lack heavily in female friendships.

This is my crime against my fellow women.

And there is nothing pretty about it.

My outfit details:  Robe- Thrifted | Tank:gap | Jeans: Target | Shoes: Thrifted | Wig: Thrifted (SIKE!) | Karen Walker sunglasses: From Lacey

Location: Hyattsville, MD

Shot with: Canon 80d with an 85mm F 1.8 Younguo lens (lens costs under $200)  Buy it here: YONGNUO YN85mm f1.8 AF/MF Standard Medium Telephoto Prime Lens Fixed Focal Camera Lens for Canon EF Mount EOS Cameras (YN85mm F1.8 – Canon)

Follow:

17 Comments

  1. April 3, 2018 / 2:33 pm

    This was so honest as you always are and A good read. Most important you’re honest with yourself, I think as women for some of us it is difficult to find that close connection especially as adults. And being open leaves us open to hurt and we are often trying to protect ourselves from it but yes we have to be a good friend or at least the kind we want to have.

    • jennjeanpierre
      Author
      April 3, 2018 / 2:57 pm

      thank you Adrian! Thank you so much for reading, commenting and offering advice and kind words!

  2. April 3, 2018 / 6:39 pm

    I know I say this about nearly all of your posts, but your transparency and honesty is refreshing and raw. Every time I read them, I think “man, I wish I lived closer to Jen; we should be friends” What you spoke about here wasn’t easy to share I’m sure, but it’s one step closer to the path of healing. Relationships, romantic and otherwise, are always complex and considering what occurred with your friend in college, it’s no wonder you’re very guarded. But it’s also nice to know you’re willing to dip a toe into the close female friendship pool at some point. And when you do, feel free to wade over to my spot in the pool; I’ll have a floatie and a fancy drink with an umbrella waiting for you.

    • jennjeanpierre
      Author
      April 3, 2018 / 7:33 pm

      Oh Tricia! Thank you so much. You really really made me smile. I legit smiled reading your last sentence. Thank you. Come visit lol

  3. Maria
    April 3, 2018 / 8:52 pm

    I give you credit for acknowledging your short comings . We all have them . The question is -do we have the courage / gumption to acknowledge and take action . I see you . Keep evolving . I’m trying hard over here , myself. Sometimes succeeding , often not . That’s the thing about life -it goes on . The real test is: are we fluid enough to keep going with it ?

    • jennjeanpierre
      Author
      April 3, 2018 / 9:55 pm

      Thank you Maria. It’s a lifelong struggle and we either sink or swim. I don’t know how long I will last but I’m just happy that I am trying and I’m recognizing instead of making escuxes for myself.

  4. Luvshanaj
    April 4, 2018 / 12:12 am

    I truly appreciate your post. You are so transparent and raw. Thank you for keeping it 100%. I am learning as well about friendships!

    • jennjeanpierre
      Author
      April 4, 2018 / 9:07 am

      I appreciate you writing and reading. Thank you. I decided this site was going to be about me. And what’s more me than my issues and my happy times lol

  5. Atiya
    April 4, 2018 / 5:53 am

    Wow. Very powerful. In my adulthood (41 yrs young) I realized that I don’t have those “Instagram” type friendships where we do girls trips and such. You know, the ones you met in college. I didn’t go to college and so… whatever. I do have some long standing friends that I don’t speak to all the time, but we can pick back up and reconnect like we never parted, but my life has been so stressful and busy trying to raise a family and eeking out an existence at work. I feel like I missed out on a lot and nowadays I think about that. I don’t know how to fix it now. But thanks to this article I realize that I’m not the only person trying to figure themselves out.

    PS: have you ever decided to write that old college friend a letter to let them know that you reacted badly and that you hope things are good? I assume you did but if not, please consider it.

    • jennjeanpierre
      Author
      April 4, 2018 / 9:06 am

      Hi Atiyah!
      Thank you for taking the time to write to me and hate your story. I can honestly empathize with you. I also look at those IG friendships and think- how can i have that but in many ways I do but I don’t try to really grow those friendships. I have amazing women in my life who I would dinanyting for but I know I don’t open up enough and that’s the struggle. I don’t know if I’m totally ready. I can share my story and i can tell people things but it’s a feeling that I have of being guarded. I don’t think it’s too late for either of us and I’m here if you ever need to talk. Thank you again and i look forward to more interaction with you

  6. April 4, 2018 / 11:11 am

    Thank you so much as i feel you struggle! I too long for that connection and i feel that I make of fool of myself by seeming to thirsty for that type of friendship by putting myself out there too soon. learning to balance!

    • jennjeanpierre
      Author
      April 4, 2018 / 11:22 am

      Hey Charli!
      It’s always about balance! The first step is always admitting it hahaha. You Wil get there and no no don’t be thirsty. I’ve been there and it’s not cute!

  7. Katie
    April 4, 2018 / 12:25 pm

    Love your honesty. That sounds like a pretty traumatic experience. It’s understandable that you have been closed off to that type of friendship again. On another note… love your outfit and photos. Your poses are fierce. Your killing it.

  8. Erica
    April 5, 2018 / 2:13 pm

    Well the most important part of this is she’s thriving now. Who knows why these things happen, but sounds like a blessing in disguise for her. Substance abuse is dangerous and usually not that quickly fixed.

  9. Michelle
    April 9, 2018 / 11:04 am

    I can finally comment at work. This was really good Jenn, I can say that you’ve always been an amazing friend, but I also understand every part of this. I had to come to my own terms about my friendships with women since thats the make up on most of my relationships.

  10. Tovah
    April 9, 2018 / 7:01 pm

    Yes. This was such an important post. I find myself also struggling with Female freindship and trying to figure out what the next move is once you realize your friendship baggage.

  11. April 20, 2018 / 11:05 pm

    Ugh! I’ve been experiencing this for years. For me my problem stemmed from childhood with girls who I thought were my friends but actually wanted to see my downfall. It hurt so bad that friendships with women scare me. Like scared shitless. I’ve been able to make a few friends but none which I give my all to. I’m guarded with them all. I want to open up but the thought of being hurt again is just too much. I. understand. you. completely.