Women are everything. Yup, I said it. We are everything. I am a huge advocate of empowering, supporting and building with other women. But like everyone else, I am flawed and do commit some major crimes against my fellow women.
I want to open up and talk about my biggest one.
As much as I love my fellow women, I suck at female friendships. Late 2017, I really wanted to explore what my issue with it was and it took some vulnerable moments alone to really get down to the nitty gritty of it. But then it took a youtube channel to force it in my face.
Back in college, I met my soul mate. Not a man. Not a romantic soul mate but the first friend that I had the best and easiest relationship with. We were one. WE had so much fun. We shared anything and everything and I did not have to pretend or “be” anyone but me. It was truly perfection.
But then one night everything changed. We went out to a party and then came back home to our apartment we shared. I was exhausted and went to my room and after grabbing one of my migraine meds, she went to hers.
Then something woke me up.
Without revealing too much, my best friend had attempted suicide by taking most of the bottle of my very strong migraine medication and ended up in a coma for several days. She was battling for her life and I just shut all the way down. Luckily and thankfully, she came out of it and got the help that was needed and she is thriving now but her and I didn’t speak since. Some because of a major mistake that I made that hurt her and most because I just shut down. I just couldn’t open up again and I wouldn’t open up again. Even went so far as alienating her from my family which was like hers. We were THAT close.
I turned evil and aint nothing pretty about that.
At the time I did not realize why I behaved the way that I did but now I understand. I was so angry with her for trying to leave me. I was angry with her for not sharing how she was feeling with me. I was angry with myself that I thought we were the “bestest of the bestest” and she didn’t feel the same because she didn’t open up. It triggered my abandonment schema and I went into self preservation mode.
Pretty selfish of me right?
Yes. Yes, it completely was but being selfish is not always terrible. I will always look back to that time with complete disgust with myself. But I’m also ok with it because it is a great lesson learned. Things happen as they are meant to happen. Although it took over a decade, it forced me to SEE myself.
Moving to the present I have really good friends, even some best friends but I don’t have that “best friend forever type friendship” and I do not know if I ever will. I am not opposed to it. But I am a complex being and I know that. I’m also someone who is VERY content and comfortable by myself. I truly enjoy my own company. But more than all that, I am not all that open to having any type of friendship like the one I felt I had in college. I’m just not ready. I prefer to just observe all the other women having those bonds and being happy for them. And jealous. Because yes I get jealous of all those super girl power bonds as well as feel joy for them.
For lack of better words- I have “tried on” several BFF type friendships. I have met the most amazing of women. I have had super duper close friendships with women but I never give all of myself. It is something I want to change. And I will. In due time. My goal for this post is not to make any of my close current female friendships feel bad but to explain myself more. Cause I’m sure they have felt it.
Jermaine and I have the closest to a “best friendship forever type relationship” since my friend in college. He is my best friend before he is my fiancee. Sounds weird but he is the ONLY person who knows every teeny thing about me. Good. Bad. and Ugly.
But it would be nice to have that with my gender. I don’t want to be that girl who is closer to a man than a woman. I refuse to be that “I prefer to be friends with dudes” type of gal.
I desire that Caroline Vreeland + Shea Marie friendship. I want to be THAT close to another woman. Watching their youtube channel really has me thinking about the importance of female friendships. Just because of that past experience I cannot allow myself to be so closed up to other women. It took watching their youtube channel for me to really have that AHA moment. I am so drawn to it online and yet, I shy away from it in real life. Our brains are interesting right?
The other day I got a little sad because I realized that after my engagement, I did not have anyone who wanted to throw me an engagement party or even a brunch or heck take me out to lunch to celebrate. People were certainly excited and happy for me but I felt sad that there was no “hoopla” hahaha. It’s crazy to me that I even felt that way. It’s not even a necessity yet it has been a cloud over my head.
When my father passed away, I also felt really alone in the friend department. I remember hoping I would see someone other than family at the funeral or send flowers but it didn’t happen. And yeah, it hurt. But in some ways, I probably deserve that lack of action.
I write this because it shows that you get what you give. I do not give enough so I do not get enough. That is just how life goes. Does it hurt? yes. But in the exact same token, my lack of giving all of myself probably hurts those around me and that is unfair. So changed behavior is the only way to break the cycle.
I am not a truly present friend and because of that I lack heavily in female friendships.
This is my crime against my fellow women.
And there is nothing pretty about it.
Location: Hyattsville, MD
Shot with: Canon 80d with an 85mm F 1.8 Younguo lens (lens costs under $200) Buy it here: YONGNUO YN85mm f1.8 AF/MF Standard Medium Telephoto Prime Lens Fixed Focal Camera Lens for Canon EF Mount EOS Cameras (YN85mm F1.8 – Canon)