Right now I am sitting on my couch at home with my husband to my left and we are watching the show “24”. Not the remake but the original with Kiefer Sutherland. He watched it when it aired years ago and I am getting a first look.
As I write this, there is an air of sadness that washes over me. The worst part is that I cannot pinpoint the exact cause of it. I have been feeling it for weeks. While there are obvious reasons for me to be sad, they do not feel like they are the absolute cause of my depression.
I am feeling blue
While I have a job, roof over my head, a wonderful husband, and a loving family, it does not feel like enough for me. Before you read and exclaim to yourself “well dang what more does this chick need”, let me explain why I am feeling blue.
For me to feel truly good about myself and feel as if I am doing something that impacts the world, I have to be in fact IMPACTING the world. Every single day I pass a dozen homeless people outside of my metro stop. Every single day the little bits of money I offer them never feels like I am doing enough. I feel the absolute best when I am helping others. The older I get the more I see that I was placed on this Earth to actively assist in making human beings better.
The other night as I was scrolling on Twitter, a video autoplayed on my feed that really shook me to my core. It was the video of that man Marc Gomez violently kicking an elderly woman on a subway in NYC. I sobbed uncontrollably. After I sobbed and screamed to my husband that the world was messed up, I text my mom. Then I put up a post on Facebook about it.
The next day a dark cloud was till looming and I was still feeling blue. That is when I messaged a good friend of mine named Geoff Pope. You may have remembered him from the Citizens vs Government t-shirts that I styled a while back but he has been active in his community and in the social media community about the issues surrounding our world.
I do not consider myself very religious but I have faith. My faith tells me that there is far too much sin and far too much hate in this world for anything good to come out of it.
But I want to be part of the good in it.
This fashion blog while it inspires many, is not changing the world. My job as a social media strategist is great but it is not changing the world. The countless events I attend in DC are fun but they are not changing the world. Bitching about the many social injustices helps draw attention to them but does not change the world.
I have been feeling oh so blue because I am not being active in changing the world.
So I started using social media to find opportunities to be active in my community. I have been sad because I haven’t had the money to go on a vacation or a honeymoon with my husband. But now I am reaching out to missions to go back to Haiti to volunteer at the orphanages. Before I wanted to travel in order to create dope content so that I could get more travel opportunities. While I still want that, if I do go travel somewhere else, I want to volunteer there.
Here in DC, I intend on spending at least one day a month giving back. Not just giving money to the homeless on my way to work but volunteering my time at soup kitchens.
But one of the biggest ways I want to give back is with the youth. While I am not perfect, I have been lucky enough to have been afforded many amazing opportunities in life. Dare I say, I grew up pretty privileged and I understand that others don’t have those liberties.
So if anyone reading knows of places where I can maybe help mentor or be a part of at-risk kid’s life, please comment below.
Because I cannot continue feeling blue. I cannot stay on this path of sadness. Maybe I am having a mid-life crisis and maybe I am having an awakening. Whatever it may be, I believe in listening to my gut. My gut tells me that I must make some changes in order to feel good about myself.
Life is short. There is no point in spending it feeling blue