If you watched my instagram story from this past weekend, you know that I was in such a funk about myself. As transparent as I am on the blog, I am probably far more transparent on that. Why? Because I treat it like daily vlog or diary. It’s your chance to see what I do on a daily basis and to hear my thoughts.
“I have nothing to wear” was the resounding message of my weekend. I said this at least 5 times as I made huge piles of clothing from my efforts to find something cute to wear for a lunch with a new friend. My irritation level with myself was at an all time high.
Let’s be clear. I have a closet full of clothing. Heck in being really honest, I have like 3 closets full of clothing but I still proclaimed and acted like “I have nothing to wear”. Once I stopped and analyzed what that statement meant, I realized it was not a lack of clothing being the issue but the blatant fact that I have gained so much weight that I am not happy with the image reflected back to me in the mirror.
And it aint JUST the extra 40lbs that is causing my meltdown.
It is way deeper than “I Have nothing to wear”.
There is a deep disappointment in myself that has come with the weight gain. While I will NEVER shame myself for gaining weight, I am upset with myself that even though I am not a huge fan of it, I am also not doing anything to change it. I have the best intentions but I do not put action with those intentions. I truly loathe this about myself and that is the trigger to my weekend depression.
Because I practice Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and sometimes Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, I am able to delve deep to understand my triggers for behavior and redirect my thinking. I am also a psychology nut and human behavior fascinates me. I am my own test subject day in and day out so I was able to see that my “I have nothing to wear” and my “I cant fit anything so Im sad” is not about the superficial.
I feel like a failure and I continue to be a failure because I am not trying. I feel like a failure because I am allowing fear to get in my way. I feel like a failure because I stay in my comfort zone instead of shaking things up.
Plain and simple.
Once I get a grip on those, I will succeed.
I know that health is my end game. Being healthy trumps (ohh I hate using that term because of the Man in Office) everything for me. I could be 250lbs but if I feel and am healthy, I would not care.
But I am NOT healthy. I feel sluggish, I eat foods lacking in nutritional value, I don’t stretch, I work out in very far apart spurts, and I spend far too much time sitting. And sitting IS the new smoking.
I know all of this but I’m not changing it. That is bothersome to me because being a failure or feeling like one is not my objective. I strive to be the best Jen that I can be and my lack of action and effort is failing to me. No, I am not a failure, but yes, I am failing myself.
Recently this week I had a few shakeups on the job front. I received a significant boost at work that kept me in my comfort zone. On the other token I did not pursue something else that in the end would have challenged me and probably catapulted me into a new, higher level in my career. That was the cloud following me over the weekend. My mind morphed that cloud and in my head I was just upset about how I looked but in fact I was just upset in how I am living my life. My disgruntled feelings about my “weight gain” is really my disgruntled feelings “about being too comfortable”.
When I share these parts of me, I do so not to have yall “all up in my business” but to teach in one way or another.
My life is not simple. My brain is not simple. But my motivation is simple. I want to inspire and empower while still maintaining some sense of selfishness. Because those of us who really love to give back and love to help others, often lack the self care gene. We are caregivers and do not give enough to ourselves.
So I am learning to balance this. I don’t feel that good about myself if I am not helping others. That is the end all be all for me. But I also know that you cannot pour from an empty cup. And my cup is empty until I learn how to focus on my self and my needs.
So my little lesson:
I stress that everyone spend time analyzing their behaviors and thoughts. If you are really down about something, is it that particular something that is bringing you down or is it multi layered. We often nitpick or are insecure about more than just the physical. I urge everyone to understand just how powerful our minds and emotions are. You can know something and your emotions will make you act in a whole other way.
For me, I attacked my body image instead of instantly recognizing that it is my lack of follow through and my obsessive love of my “comfort zone” that is truly the problem. I am choosing to be stuck in what I know rather than walking towards my destiny and taking a risk. I also am lazy when it comes to changing my body. I lack patience and patience is a necessity in weight loss. So I need to love myself enough to spend the time in changing myself internally and externally.
Thank you all for listening (on insta-stories) and thank you for reading. Per the replies I received on Instagram, it seems I am not alone.
Follow Along on my thoughts + feelings by following this hashtag on Instagram:
OR should it be #Jentrospection ?
p.s. My “I have nothing to wear” gripe has turned into “I fricken hate my awkward hair phase” now. Send prayers my way that I turn into rapunzel overnight.
All your girl wants is a cute fro that I can braid up or put into a poof. Variety is the spice of life and this TWA is NOT giving it to me! lol